In the Sweet Bye and Bye
When I get to heaven,probably this year, and I find that what everyone is telling me here is actually true, and that what I believed is wrong, I think this is what my first conversation with God will be like. Big G is God. Little g is Glenn
G. Welcome to heaven.
g. Thank you, I am glad to be here. I want to thank you for the two miracles you gave me in my life, my Turkish translator experience and for the miracle of 17 years of living after I should have been dead from my cancer. I have so many questions.
G. Miracles? No, I didn’t do those. Miracles ceased at the time of the Apostles. You were just lucky!
g. Oh, really? Wow, and I gave so much credit to you. Oh well. But I have so many questions.
G. As does everyone.
g. Is Genesis 1 history or not?
G. Oh dear, are you one of those who actually believed that twaddle? That is, well, I just let the Hebrews babble on about it. I didn’t want to offend them by telling them they were wrong, so, I let it slide.
g. So you didn’t create the world as outlined there?
G. Oh now, do you really think I could create the universe with 7 proclamations? I know what you said about these being pre-temporal days, but no. Your friends on biologos are correct, it is just twaddle.
g. But I believed in you and it is you talking in Gen 1.
G. Well, those quotes were taken out of context.
g. Was there an Eden?
G. Are you kidding me? How ridiculous that idea is. Don’t you know the whole thing doesn’t comport to reality?
g. So you didn’t walk in the Garden?
G. Ha! You are dumb as a fence post, Glenn, if you believed that!
g. No Adam and Eve? It is there, right there in Scripture.
G. Well, there you go again, believing Scripture. That might have been your first and biggest mistake.
g. Didn’t you walk in the garden with them?
G. That is clearly an anthropomorphism.
g. Wasn’t Jesus a man?
G. It wasn’t talking about Jesus, it said God walked. I didn’t. The very idea is ridiculous.
g. No talking snake?
G. Snakes don’t talk. Think reality man, get with the program. To another: Welcome to Heaven, Kim Jong Un. Man you are a real tough son of a gun there. How many did you kill? Yeah come right in.
g. Ok, how about my biggest interest, the Flood, which I spent my life looking for. Was it real?
G. Misspent your life looking for, you mean. Gee, I just don’t understand how you could have been so gullible. Why you made up and believed a science fiction story and you were told it was so.
g. Well, I have been known to be conned by conmen a few times in my life, so I can’t claim to be perfect on that score. So no Noah?
G. Of course not–more twaddle, just tissues of twaddle to make the Hebrews feel good. Indeed, I am reminded of one of the best critiques in world history when I think about early Genesis. The Hebrew writer
" …seems to consider us all in a very deplorable state of ignorance. Indeed, it must be confessed, the remarks this gentleman makes…are by no means flattering. May we not fairly ask what is the amount of all the real information this gentleman has been so kind as to give us in the…lengthy communications which he has thought proper to push into the world? Do not these productions remind one of the mountain in labour? May it not, in truth, be said of them there is great cry and little wool? For my own part, I protest I felt sadly disappointed on perusing what I cannot help designating a tissue of irrelevant, profitless twaddle. In saying this, I mean no offence … J. Castley, 1830. ““On the Habits and Vices of Horses.”” The Veterinarian, 3 (1830):665-675, p. 666.
G. Gee, how ironic, that actually did come from page 666. Maybe its a sign.
g. So you had no input to what the Scripture says?
G. Of course not. I certainly don’t want to be credited with such a piece of scientific and historic nonsense.
g. Is it true philosophically?
G. There really is little truth in philosophy. What one man believes is true philosophically another says is false, and unlike with science, there is no mechanism to tell who is correct. I really can’t believe you grasped at that as an explanation. You really are deficient in the upstairs department aren’t you? Home but not really at home, is what I am gathering.
g. What about divine inspiration?
G. [laughs]. I can’t break the laws I made, so I can’t really interfere in what goes on down there.
g. Then you are a deistic God? Not a theistic God?
G. Didn’t I just say I couldn’t interfere? You are slow and thick, Glenn. Come on get with the program. Welcome here, Richard Dawkins. Aren’t you the surprised guy? By the way, I liked your book The God Delusion; well argued.
g. So, no talking donkey? No ax head floating?
G. No and No. Can’t you figure this stuff out for yourself?
g. Well, surely you made a covenant with Abram and carried a smoking furnace and lamp in between the two carcass halves?
G. Well, I thought Abe was an ok guy, but really, cutting a carcass in half with ghosts carrying the furnace and lamp? Everyone knows those things don’t happen. They don’t comport with reality.
g. Dare I ask about the water to wine incident?
G. You may ask.
g. Did it happen?
G. Are you kidding. Again, that doesn’t match reality either. Everyone knows that.
g. Did any of Jesus’ miracles happen?
G. Well, it is unlikely. I can’t break my physical laws.
g. I notice some interesting people getting in here, Dawkins, Kim Jong Un. I thought Jesus was the only way to get here.
G. Not.
g. Everyone gets in?
G. Yep. Well, almost everyone.
g. Even, Caligula? Nero? the Marquis de Sade, Pol Pot, Torquemada, Hitler?
G. Yeah, almost everyone gets in. Those guys have a really great Monday morning meeting every week. Now it is time for you to go mingle with those guys. You will be here a long time. Try to get along. Try not to be as argumentative as you were on earth. That really was a bad habit of yours.
g. But I believed you. I thought faith was important.
G. Move along. Got more people to welcome here. Well Hello Hu JiPing! (move along Glenn) You sure had a great set of detention camps for those pesky Uighurs. Hope you like it here.
G. Oh dear, are you one of those who actually believed that twaddle? That is, well, I just let the Hebrews babble on about it. I didn’t want to offend them by telling them they were wrong, so, I let it slide.
g. So you didn’t create the world as outlined there?
G. Oh now, do you really think I could create the universe with 7 proclamations? I know what you said about these being pre-temporal days, but no. Your friends on biologos are correct, it is just twaddle.
g. But I believed in you and it is you talking in Gen 1.
G. Well, those quotes were taken out of context.
g. Was there an Eden?
G. Are you kidding me? How ridiculous that idea is. Don’t you know the whole thing doesn’t comport to reality?
g. So you didn’t walk in the Garden?
G. Ha! You are dumb as a fence post, Glenn, if you believed that!
g. No Adam and Eve? It is there, right there in Scripture.
G. Well, there you go again, believing Scripture. That might have been your first and biggest mistake.
g. Didn’t you walk in the garden with them?
G. That is clearly an anthropomorphism.
g. Wasn’t Jesus a man?
G. It wasn’t talking about Jesus, it said God walked. I didn’t. The very idea is ridiculous.
g. No talking snake?
G. Snakes don’t talk. Think reality man, get with the program. To another: Welcome to Heaven, Kim Jong Un. Man you are a real tough son of a gun there. How many did you kill? Yeah come right in.
g. Ok, how about my biggest interest, the Flood, which I spent my life looking for. Was it real?
G. Misspent your life looking for, you mean. Gee, I just don’t understand how you could have been so gullible. Why you made up and believed a science fiction story and you were told it was so.
g. Well, I have been known to be conned by conmen a few times in my life, so I can’t claim to be perfect on that score. So no Noah?
G. Of course not–more twaddle, just tissues of twaddle to make the Hebrews feel good. Indeed, I am reminded of one of the best critiques in world history when I think about early Genesis. The Hebrew writer
" …seems to consider us all in a very deplorable state of ignorance. Indeed, it must be confessed, the remarks this gentleman makes…are by no means flattering. May we not fairly ask what is the amount of all the real information this gentleman has been so kind as to give us in the…lengthy communications which he has thought proper to push into the world? Do not these productions remind one of the mountain in labour? May it not, in truth, be said of them there is great cry and little wool? For my own part, I protest I felt sadly disappointed on perusing what I cannot help designating a tissue of irrelevant, profitless twaddle. In saying this, I mean no offence … J. Castley, 1830. ““On the Habits and Vices of Horses.”” The Veterinarian, 3 (1830):665-675, p. 666.
G. Gee, how ironic, that actually did come from page 666. Maybe its a sign.
g. So you had no input to what the Scripture says?
G. Of course not. I certainly don’t want to be credited with such a piece of scientific and historic nonsense.
g. Is it true philosophically?
G. There really is little truth in philosophy. What one man believes is true philosophically another says is false, and unlike with science, there is no mechanism to tell who is correct. I really can’t believe you grasped at that as an explanation. You really are deficient in the upstairs department aren’t you? Home but not really at home, is what I am gathering.
g. What about divine inspiration?
G. [laughs]. I can’t break the laws I made, so I can’t really interfere in what goes on down there.
g. Then you are a deistic God? Not a theistic God?
G. Didn’t I just say I couldn’t interfere? You are slow and thick, Glenn. Come on get with the program. Welcome here, Richard Dawkins. Aren’t you the surprised guy? By the way, I liked your book The God Delusion; well argued.
g. So, no talking donkey? No ax head floating?
G. No and No. Can’t you figure this stuff out for yourself?
g. Well, surely you made a covenant with Abram and carried a smoking furnace and lamp in between the two carcass halves?
G. Well, I thought Abe was an ok guy, but really, cutting a carcass in half with ghosts carrying the furnace and lamp? Everyone knows those things don’t happen. They don’t comport with reality.
g. Dare I ask about the water to wine incident?
G. You may ask.
g. Did it happen?
G. Are you kidding. Again, that doesn’t match reality either. Everyone knows that.
g. Did any of Jesus’ miracles happen?
G. Well, it is unlikely. I can’t break my physical laws.
g. I notice some interesting people getting in here, Dawkins, Kim Jong Un. I thought Jesus was the only way to get here.
G. Not.
g. Everyone gets in?
G. Yep. Well, almost everyone.
g. Even, Caligula? Nero? the Marquis de Sade, Pol Pot, Torquemada, Hitler?
G. Yeah, almost everyone gets in. Those guys have a really great Monday morning meeting every week. Now it is time for you to go mingle with those guys. You will be here a long time. Try to get along. Try not to be as argumentative as you were on earth. That really was a bad habit of yours.
g. But I believed you. I thought faith was important.
G. Move along. Got more people to welcome here. Well Hello Hu JiPing! (move along Glenn) You sure had a great set of detention camps for those pesky Uighurs. Hope you like it here.
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