Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Church of the Warm World

The Preacher cleared his throat and looked out on the crowd. He felt excited. This was his opportunity to convert some of the lost souls. The audience shifted in their seats in anticipation of the sermon. Some were there willingly, others had been dragged there by relatives and friends. The audience was uncomfortable with the silence as the Pastor looked at them from behind the lecturn.

"We have sinned," he started with a whisper, forcing the audience to lean forward in their seats to catch the sound that would be whipped by them at the speed of sound, leaving only an instant for their ears to capture and process the waves.
"We have sinned," he said again, a little louder. "We have blood on our hands. The blood of Gaia, the blood of species now extinct. The blood of species extinct in the future. It is our fault. It is our fault that the flood will deluge the earth. The hellish heat is our just desert."

The audience grew eager to learn what this sin was. The rising volume of the staccato sentences added to the suspence.

"We have been beguiled by energy, cheap, easy energy. We wanted easy lives, not lives as we were meant to live in harmony with nature." The pastor looked around.
"YOU!" he shouted, pointing a bony finger at one of the congregants, "drive your car too often releasing the evil upon the world."

"YOU!"he shouted, pointing at a young woman who started shaking beneath the point, "wash your clothing too often, washing poisons down the drain. Poisons, which go into the seas, poison the fish and cause them to rot and release the evil upon the world."

"What is this evil?" the preacher asked looking around again and punctuating the sentence with silence. "SEEE OHHHHH TOOO," he intoned.

"Yes, CO2, the master poison. We will pay for our sins", the preacher once again looked around at the audience. A few cleared their throats in nervousness.
"A flood is coming on the earth. It is because of our sins that Nature will wipe us off the earth with a flood. Seas will rise and cover the land. Build your boat, ladies and gentlemen. The flood is coming. That is the beginning of wisdom, Nature will bring a flood upon the land because we have let evil out of our tail pipes."
"Amen!" someone shouted.

"Because of our sin, the world will be destroyed in a blaze of heat. Hellish temperatures will pay us back for our sins. No, it isn't the God of Abraham who will send you to Hell, it is Nature who will burn the earth and turn it into hell for you."

A woman in a red high-cut dress gasped and slumped against her husband, who looked a bit disturbed not at the sin but at his wife's behavior. The rest of the crowd was warming up to the salvation message. Yes it was like Brother Loves traveling salvation show.

"Hell fire is reserved for sinners who release the evil gas upon the world." The preacher crowed on.

"Don't be fooled by the unbelievers! They are infidels.. They are liars. Shun those who doubt the Truth of our Gospel. Only by eliminating the evil gas can we be saved, Halleluiah Amen!" he crescendoed.

"Unbelievers are numerous. Call them names. Call them Global Warming Deniers! They are worse than dogs. They are to be scorned, not pitied. The world will not be safe until all unbelievers are either eliminated or silenced. If a friend at work denies global warming, it is your duty to isolate him. Make him a pariah. Encourage others to ignore him; to ridicule him. The Gospel of the Warm World requires this righteous act towards the infidels. Indeed, if you don't silence those who doubt, those who lack faith in the Warm World, then you too are in danger of experiencing Hell-fire yourself. Indeed, the worst parts of the warm world will be reserved for those who do not do their duty in silencing the skeptics, shutting up the deniers of the warm world. A judgement is coming upon the earth. Floods and hell fire. Believe. Don't doubt and you will be saved."

The crowd was on its feet, cheering. In the back of the auditorium one man pulled out a chart showing a thermometer next to an air conditioner. His name was Watts. Those who saw this abomination, stomped him to death. They all felt holy and clean, even if a wee bit red from the splatters. The surrounding crowd who were unable to stomp on the Watts cheered loudly.

"Just remember, all of this is science. " the preacher concluded. "All hail to the Holy Consensus! Consensus on the coming Flood. Consensus on the coming hellish heat. Consensus on the treatment of unbelievers. May you be forgiven your emissions and escape the coming end of the world. Data doesn't matter, only consensus; only faith in the warm earth. Don't be left behind as the flood covers the earth. All know that the flood is coming. It is consensus."

Someone again shouted "Amen!"

"Here cometh Hellish Heat!"

"Amen. Amen." others cried. "Yes Gaia" said a person in the middle part of the auditorium who then began speaking in tongues.

"Let us pray. Our Gaia, which art on earth. Sacred is your air. Thy stability come, thy temperature be one on earth as it is in the air. Give us this day, our daily coolness. Forgive us our emissions as we forgive those who don't doubt. Lead us not into energy temptation; but deliver us from CO2. For doubters should be scorned and left forlorn. Amen.


  1. Very funny. You are a good writer. How about doing one on the other extreme?

  2. Thank you, very few share your sentiments. What other extreme are you referring to? There are lots of extremes in this world.

  3. You have a lump in your leg and you go see your doctor, and your doctor does a biopsy and tells you it's a malignant tumor. You then go see another doctor, who does a biopsy, and also concludes it's a malignant tumor. You then see ten more doctors, and they all conclude you have a malignant tumor.

    You then go ask your plumber and he tells you it's fine, he's had one of those before, and that the doctors don't know what they are talking about.

    And then you ask your dentist, and your accountant, and various other friends around you, and they all tell you it's just a wart and it's nothing to worry about.

    Question: does the consensus of doctors carry more or less weight than your friends opinions?

  4. Your analogy is utterly stupid. I am a geoscientist and I know earth history quite extensively from all around the earth, having lived and worked on 3 continents. I know that the earth has experienced huge, huge changes of temperature yet it all seems to work out and life goes one.

  5. You didn't answer the question.

    "I know that the earth has experienced huge, huge changes of temperature yet it all seems to work out and life goes one."

    You've been watching too much Day After Tomorrow. No one other than the melodramatic media is saying that life is going to be extinguished.

    They ARE saying that global warming will lead to changes in modern civilization that will be too fast for mankind to keep up with in the short term. SHORT TERM human misery will result.

    This is why I don't argue data; you're failing in the basics. You've constructed your own strawman version of global warming that you proceed to slash to pieces with your katana blade, while the real global warming stands safely to the side, yawning.